6.12.2024

I get stuck in this mindset sometimes of reality vs a daydream. I used to daydream a lot as a child as a way to keep myself safe from the reality that was happening around me. In my daydreams, I was usually rich, and I would blast myself 20 years from the age I actually was. I always had a husband, I had a beautiful home, and friends were always over having drinks and partying. It wasn't anything too glamorous. I think I was pretending I was loved differently than how I felt in another universe. I pretended I had all of the things I felt I was lacking. Which wasn't fair, because I had friends and family who loved me, but everyone seemed absent because of how hurt they were. It's like everyone was going through something intense. So, when I day dream now, I have to catch myself and wonder what it's either distracting me from or what part of my creative insides feels lacking. Now when I daydream, I think about creating such a beautiful piece of art that moves people entirely. It makes people feel, it makes people reach out to their loved ones and tell them they love them. It helps people connect with themselves and love themselves. Right now everything is good, I’m okay, I'm good at my job, and I know how to take a hit when it comes to work and life. I understand I am an asset, irreplaceable (me in my job is replaceable, but me, Olivia Kennedy, I do not feel replaceable, and that's huge from a year ago today). I feel like I've defined myself as an observer. Everyone is the observer of their own life, experiences, being human, all of these things ; but my whole life, even from when I was younger, I felt like the only audience member to other people's lives. Maybe it's a safety thing or like a crazy narcissistic thing (god I hope not), but I can read people's faces, watching people interact in my family. I observed my siblings in depressive states, in love, full of anger, at peace. My mom, vulnerable and soft, naive, but strong, resilient, hard working, beautiful. I'm often in awe now of my own life and what I've created for myself. That's powerful, that's got to be something important. It is for me at least, but there's this overwhelming feeling that I'm missing something, and I can't just be fully happy for myself yet.