6.12.2024

Dear friend I have received your letter as I got it whilst writing one meself. Thank you for sharing, I'm proud of you for all the wound healing you're doing for yourself. I hope you're giving yourself the time to sit in all the parts of you that you have healed and feel proud. I can shout at you how amazing you are and how I can tell all the work you've put in is paying off but I hope it's really something you feel. I can understand the love of beauty and art. I'm currently trying to figure out what is inside me that needs to be released and how to release it. I keep telling myself I'm not living up to my full potential and that has felt very shitty. I talked to the landlord on the phone about this townhouse in south philly, he mentioned he needs to raise the rent, and i'm not sure if i'd be able to swing $800 a month in Philly with all of my other taxes, but a part of me wants to challenge myself to that. I had a weird conversation with *an old friend* She's home so we went and grabbed a drink and I was asked about my sexuality. I told her I'm really just attracted to a person for who they are - parts don't seem to matter all too much to me but I've only ever been with men and typically gravitate towards men. She followed this by saying to me, “I could totally see you with a woman… yea I soo see that for you.. that makes so much sense”. A part of me was annoyed at that, idk why. It made me feel super masculine, like oh i'm such a “masculine energy” that I should be with a woman. It challenged my ego for sure, maybe some internalized catholic homophobia? Also seemed to dismiss what I said about just loving people for who they are. All this time I've been allowing myself to lean into my feminine, why wouldn't that make me feel good? I am a flower, I am so gentle and soft, and this person who I have known for a while sees me as this rough, large, big tough male entity. Did she say all of this? No, this is what my brain is telling me. Since that conversation I feel so out of my feminine and idk why. I treated myself to a cheap massage off of Baltimore Pike to see if that would help release toxins and help me get into my body. The lady asked me if I wanted it hard or medium, I thought she said, “hot or medium” for the towels and rocks they lay on you. So, I said, “hot please”. This chick starts going HAM on my back, IT HURT so bad. The whole time I'm in my head saying “what is going on and why”. Then it clicked that I misheard her because I wasn't fully present, I was so set on someone massaging my body out and feeling good that I wasn't fully listening. It took me 20 minutes to finally say something. I'm in my head saying, “Olivia this physically hurts, why aren't you saying anything”. It's a noted pattern, me not advocating for myself when I believe there is a person of higher authority in charge of me. Like I'm not an adult, no one will be “mad at me” or “yell at me” for being an adult and speaking my mind, that's not how things work. But my brain doesn't fully understand this yet, rewiring. The whole sexuality thing fucked me up too, *old friend* is very judgemental, I challenge her a lot because it feels safe to. She was talking about a couple she saw on vacation, in her words “they had tattoos from the head down.. And like… we're in a family vacation spot?? Like this isn't the cartel” and I started CRACKING up. I said “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”. She laughed, but I asked her why their appearance bothered her so much, and she said “it didn't!! I'm just talking about it”. I felt so disconnected, and I think since she worries so much about her appearance, it was affecting me. Later in the night she got drunk and told me how she admired how I've always stayed true to myself without fear of judgment from others. But it didn't feel like a compliment, it kind of felt back handed, like I have something to be ashamed of but I'm not ? Is it my looks? My weird offputting awkward jokes? The fact I can sometimes dress like an Irish hobbit? What was it? I also need to remind myself she is very “plain” and I shouldn't take what she says quite literally. I don't mean plain in a bad way, but that's all I can think of to describe our interactions though. Anyways - trying to picture my higher self and she's fuvking bad ass and I think she's annoyed @ me rn lol. Gunna go see *my friend* bc she's blunt and honest and doesnt think too hard about things. Luhv ya, hope you get movement in today. Xoxoxox. Olive.